Wandering Ghost

Amo

When you brought your world in wonder

Skies in thunder

I lost God, I found you.

Missouri

The bus station clock is broken. I have to rely on my dying phone for the time. I know I use that as an excuse. I know I’m not really hoping for the 10:15 bus.

I will need to update my roommate. Let someone know where I’m going. Just in case the bus flips over, or I get murdered by some creepy stranger the next aisle over.

I make eye contact with one of the many possible suspects in my future murder. I need to find an outlet.

The bus has enough room. Not leg room, but I don’t have to sit next to someone breathing all over me. No strange card tricks for this bus ride. I may be able to sleep.

Except for I can’t. The bus sways. The wind howls. I should just ask around for a sleeping pill. Or buy sleeping pills. Or just knock myself out. I should lie down and pretend I’m being rocked to sleep.

I should just numb my pain.

But I can’t. I’ve never been able to do that.

I had been able to turn to you.

The landscape outside the window is beautiful. The green, sloping hills, like sand dunes. The bright navy sky, with the clouds like thin curtains over the stars. All traces of snow have finally been erased. Summer was always my favorite season. Summer nights were always my greatest escapes. I’ve been inspired by landscapes like these all my life. I’ve wanted to travel since I was a conscious being. The beauty is almost impressing upon me.

My joy and my sorrow tug on either side of me, like the wind swaying the bus.

I have to embrace the moment. Because I’m alone. And what other choice do I have?

Photo by Akhil Lincoln on Unsplash

Flightless

When will I fly away from you?

I’ve chased daylight birds

Never owls

Nights leave me lonely

Coyote howls my only company

My own song sheds my throat

Feathers in tatters

I dream, fall in the river

Drown

Let it take me away

I’ve lost my wings

Forgotten how to fly

Good News

There’s a wedding reception at the Good News Brewing Company. I think I may be the only person who wasn’t invited, because they don’t know me. I did walk past the “closed venue” sign. I’m only one person. I just wanted a drink. Some good news.

Instead I see this beautiful young couple dancing in their wedding attire to a popular ‘90s song. The music I used to listen to when I was a kid. You would think the song would bring me back to a simpler time, and it does, but it also divides me in three parts. The past me, when I was a child, bright eyed and naive to all the many experiences that would bring pleasure and pain. The future me, the girl I aspire to be. The beautiful girl who can’t be much older than me, dancing and smiling with the love of her life. You can just see it in her eyes. She knows this is her future, the person who was made for her.

And then there’s the present me. The one who fears that all of it is obsolete. That the childhood naivety was the best part of her life. That her future will not be filled with this kind of happiness.

Photo by James Owen on Unsplash

Fireworks

Driving through the jungle — no, wait, not the jungle. A forest. Not a jungle. No tropical plants. No winding, twisting trunks, no exotic flowers. Same rain. Same dark cloud hovering over me. Similar winding roads. My white hands are bone-colored as I grip the steering wheel, grinding my teeth against every bump in the cracked roads. Fuck. I just need to pull over. Every bump in the road, the feeling of the car jerking, makes me feel like I do in my dreams: it’ll be any second until I die.

There’s a dirt turning platform across the street. I pull into it, feeling grateful that I’m the only car here. Everyone will be in bigger, more crowded areas. Parked out in the beds of their trucks. Lying on top of blankets, watching the sky turn indigo, and then eventually starry. Then they would watch the fireworks. Drink beer. Eat snacks. Listen to music. Make out.

Everything I assumed I would do with you, just alone together. On our own stretch of road. Under our own sky. You reminded me of stars, because they’re guides in darkness. Because they make the scary moments in time beautiful. Because once I look at them I never want to look away.

I get out of my car, lay a blanket on the tail end, and sit as comfortably as I can. Drink my can of Coca-Cola. And watch the fireworks blot out the stars for a moment. In brief moments, I don’t think about you. In brief flashes, I don’t see your name in the stars anymore.

I just see your face. Hear your voice. Feel your touch. It’s almost like you’re here with me after all.

Valentine’s

I was alone, and trying to ignore it.

I thought this time, this day, would be different.

The past wouldn’t dictate the future.

It does dictate the present.

This would be the day when I could have

what other people have.

When I could be a human with blood

not just a skin.

I was alone. And I tried to ignore it.

You were there like a ghost.

Whispered things to me, what I needed to hear.

But this time, it wasn’t enough.

Because it wasn’t you.

You’d flown away long ago.

Revelation

I’m sorry.

Thank you.

I love you.