Being Unhappy Isn’t a Waste of Time

Photo by Charles Etoroma on Unsplash

When I was in high school, I was one of the fortunate students that knew exactly what I wanted to do in life, so high school just felt like such a waste of time. Why did I have to keep going through the same rigorous routine that drained the life out of me when I already knew my purpose in life was to write stories?

Now that I’m out of high school and taking a gap year, though, I realize that I’m far from knowing what my purpose in life is. And I don’t think it’s because a few months made me wiser, because sometimes that’s up for debate. I think it’s because I now have all the time that I had before I went to school on my hands — although I do work night shifts regularly when it’s not off-season. With all of that time, I’ve realized that writing for only a couple of hours a day…and let’s be honest, sometimes even less than that…is what I’m used to. It’s enough to make me satisfied for the time. Until later on in the day when I realize I could’ve done more.

The scary truth about me is that I doubt I’ll be satisfied with anything I do. I could write six pages in a day for one story, but then feel like a failure for not having written for something else. I have so many things I want to do that I don’t concentrate well. And then there’s the time that I have to devote to sleeping and eating and socializing, all of which are good for me but don’t help me get my writing done.

Over the past few months, I’ve really questioned if my passion is really for writing or not, because I’ve never been as consistent as I want to be. Maybe I want to go into acting, or singing, or filmmaking. The truth is that I want to do all of those things, but when I actually get into the zone of writing something that I really care about, then that’s when I feel alive again, and like my life does have a purpose.

The important thing, however, is to not put the purpose of your life into one thing, even if it’s something you’re passionate about. In fact, it’s not even good to put the purpose of your life into something that makes you feel happy. Don’t get me wrong, happiness is a good thing, and the more you have it in life, the easier it is to live it. But just because you’re not happy right now, it doesn’t make all that time that you’re unhappy a waste.

There have been a lot of crazy things that have happened in my life over the past few years that really made it hard to be happy every day. Major events in my life and in the lives of my family members were all happening back-to-back, and it got to the point where I just wasn’t used to be happy. I remembered being happy for no reason, but that had been a while ago when nothing that was considered major (eighth grade drama) was happening.

Over a year ago, I began to notice that almost all of my close friends were no longer close to me, and that no one could really help me fix myself. So I finally tried to fix myself. I began journaling and meditating and going on a support groups site for help, and eventually I started helping other people. I wasn’t happy every day — I still had my stressors — but I wasn’t particularly miserable either. Other people around me noticed that I was getting better, although they didn’t say anything until I was struggling again. I think it’s a good thing they didn’t tell me, though, because I didn’t want my new better self to be associated with my unhappier self. I think I would’ve classify myself as “better” for about three months.

And then the hurricanes hit St. Thomas, and my mind began unraveling all over again.

Quite honestly, even though things are much better than they’ve been in a long time — I have a group of friends again, I’m closer to my family than ever, I have more time to do whatever I want, and I’m relatively safe from danger — I’m not naturally optimistic. I’ve been getting better at imagining the future I want, but I don’t believe in it because of the slow progress I’m making now.

And I want to argue that maybe me being unhappy right now isn’t a waste of time. Being unhappy ever isn’t a waste of time.

When you’re feeling unhappy, it means something isn’t working. You’re still wanting more, or maybe you’re just wanting to do more. Maybe you’re wanting to think less, because sometimes the best happiness killer is your mind. But whatever is going wrong, you at least know that you have to fix something. It doesn’t feel good, but ultimately acting on what makes you feel unhappy will lead to you being happier than ever before. It leads to something better.

I suppose that what is a waste of time is wallowing in self-pity without looking for a solution. And I regret those times when that was me, some of them a long time ago, other times more recently. But I’m not going to regret feeling unhappy every time I’m unhappy. I just have to get better at utilizing that feeling of unhappiness, that way I’ll be happier than ever sooner, rather than pushing all of my feelings away.